All my life I carried this underlying fear that my mother would die….and leave me. I guess that was normal or acceptable when I was a child but as I grew up this fearful feeling did not leave.
As a child I was terrified of not knowing what came after death. Where did we go….what did it feel like….was it the vast darkness I saw when I closed my eyes, the feeling of being so all alone. Well whatever it was or is….. This fear gripped me. AND I projected it on my Mother.
Poor woman she did not know how to comfort me…sometimes she would simply get so frustrated and angry she would raise her voice and tell me that I was scaring her with my concerns.
However as I grew up I began to keep this to myself …but the feeling never left.
I did however learn to cope. I remember one time going on a ‘road trip’ with my boyfriend….feeling angst and thought “what if I never see my mom again”? What if I had not told her I loved her and I could never tell her again? So at that point I decided that every time I spoke with my mother I would end our conversation by saying goodbye and that I loved her.
Well you can imagine if all of a sudden your adult child began to tell you with every phone call, every meeting/visit…. “goodbye, I love you”….that you may wonder what that was all about ( if you were not used to this)….. So one day my mom said to me, “Mona, you don’t have to tell me every time we say goodbye to each other that you love me. I know you love me dear.”
Which I simply replied, “ Mom, I know that you know I love you….but it makes ME feel good to say it to you.” At that point my mom probably said “oh, Mona”…..but she never questioned it again…… and because my mom was a better giver than a receiver in some way I think she thought she was giving me a “gift “ by letting me tell her I loved her all the time.
What happened from then on until the day she really did leave me was every single time I saw her for a visit or spoke with her on the phone I felt good that I told her how much I loved her and she felt good knowing that I liked to tell her how much I loved her…..and the bonus…. well, she, overtime expected this salutation and in turn told me every time that she loved me too.
So we each gave this gift and in turn we each received the gift too.
You may wonder about my fear now that she is really gone. Well that is a gift too….with her passing and me sitting there holding her lifeless hand I realized that we have absolutely no control over when we slip from this life to the next in death BUT we do have control of what we do and what gifts we give and receive while we are here and they are simply choices…. that we can cherish.
Please feel free to share your stories of gifts you have received and given with me and with your permission I will share them with others….for a story is a gift to be shared.
Ps. Look for a message from me soon…..for those of you who feel worn out and unappreciated at home or work….. Coming soon “The Visible Blueprint” is it your time to be seen, heard and valued in YOUR world?….2011
Your Abundant Life Guide